I'm A PFLAG Mom

Posts Tagged "parenting"

Question from Anonymous

my mum is yelling at me over wearing the male cap and gown at (high school) graduation and saying she doesnt want to be a part of my future etc., "wear the girl one for your grandmother's sake", "i'm not going to graduation if you do this" and such, and i'm not going to give in... do you have any advice please i'm sorry to bother you

Well…I can only tell you what *I* would do or suggest for my own son - wear the cap/gown that you want to, go to graduation and hold your head high. If they miss it, it is THEIR loss. I know you’d be sad if your family didn’t show up but you would know you’re being true to yourself and they would end up regretting not sharing  your big day. (no bother, congratulations btw) 

Question from Anonymous

I told my parents that i'm gay this year and while they didn't seem angry about it at all, there was a horribly long and awkward silence for a while and they seemed very shocked. Since then I've noticed that whenever me or my brother (who's also gay) bring up anything LGBT-related they're silent or try to change the subject. While I'm glad they aren't angry or upset I wish I could talk to them about things that affect me because of my sexuality without the uncomfortable silence. any advice?

They are hoping you’ll forget about it or it will just go away. Or, they don’t have any idea of how to support you or what to say or do. Either way- PFLAG could help. If you think you could get them to a meeting, go  to PFLAG.org to look for meetings in your area. If not, you can read and download tons of support information. As hard as this way is, NOT talking about it yet may be better than saying something they will regret later. It sounds to me as if you’ve given them enough time and it may be time for them to seek outside help. 

Hang in there.

Question from Anonymous

My family is Mormon. I was raised in the Mormon church and I am finally accepting that I'm a lesbian. I don't know if I will be able to come out to my family and tell them. My cousin knows, and she's not judgmental at all. I'm afraid when I come out my family isn't going to talk to me anymore. And it makes me sad. What should I do?? Should I wait until leaving for college in the fall or until after I'm able to support myself better?

I know so many LGBT mormons- so many excommunicated mormons - and some gay mormon activists.

Hang onto your cousin, I’m happy to hear you have some family you know you can count on. 

I can’t tell you what your family will do. My hope is they will love as they love you now - and - that they won’t try to change you.

Waiting until college. If you do that, be prepared for them to blame college for turning you gay. Before you come out though, make sure you can support yourself through college. That could mean scholarships, grants, loans, etc. Don’t give up college and the promise of being able to support yourself plus having a career that makes you happy. 

Look up “mormon and gay” and you’ll find support groups out there.

Question from Anonymous

Hi! I'd like to get your perspective on something as a parent. I have grown up in an abusive household, and now my involvement with my local PFLAG chapter is making me feel pressured to come out to them. I'm not sure how they would react. At the same time, I feel like if I stay closeted only to them (I'm out everywhere else) I'm not being a good representative of PFLAG. What are your thoughts?

You probably could guess that I am a BIG supporter of PFLAG.

You do NOT owe any group anything! Do not let ANYONE pressure you to come out when you are not ready. I believe that coming out is a highly personal issue and only YOU can know if you are ready -and want - to do it. A good representative of PFLAG helps people  find support when needed. That’s it, not to be out. Maybe they see something you’re missing but, from what you say here, I’m disappointed that a group, especially PFLAG, would put pressure on you.

Do you live with your parents? I would be very cautious around abusive people. That makes me uneasy. You don’t have to come out to your parents while you are in “reaching distance” of their abuse. If they are emotionally abusive, you may need to get counseling before you’re strong enough to deal with that. (trust me, I’m still working on that and I’m WAY grown up).

Perhaps you could tell them right out that you are uncomfortable about feeling pressured and you will come out to your parents, or not, in your own time…but you appreciate their concern for you. It does sound like they may feel close enough to you that they feel they could give you such advice. With abusive parents, it must be nice to have a PFLAG family. Though- if you come from an abusive home, you may be conditioned to obey adults, in which case, you feel you need to listen to these people. That makes sense- I hope you will seek counseling  to work out the crappy parts of your life sooner - rather than later.

coming out as bi

I have two annon. questions about coming out as bisexual. I will answer them together.

There is little you can do to convince someone that bisexuality is a real thing. I would suggest knowing that you know your sexuality and it doesn’t matter if someone doubts you. It must be hard, though, to be considered invisible. 

For parents not talking to their kids after they come out as bi- Try to keep the lines of potential communication open. Don’t burn your bridges. When you are independent, self-supporting, and if things are still just as bad, you might have to accept the fact that they aren’t going to be in your life. In that case, you create your own family…family of choice. You will probably end up doing that anyway. 

To make it easier…I really wish I had an answer for that.

Question from Anonymous

I know this is a difficult question to answer but I thought i'd ask anyway. How do I move on and truly accept that my mother will never truly love or accept the real me. I just don't know how to go about reconciling the loving daughter part of me and the adult who understands the reality of their ignorance and prejudice.

Your question is too hard and I don’t know the answer. You have to really understand that you don’t owe her your sexuality. That is yours alone. I’ve tried to do something similar with my father- not over sexuality, just everything else. I started trying when I was a teenager and now I’m in my 50s. But I keep trying. Maybe we just have to  give up the hope that we’ll have the parents we wanted.

The good thing is that her ignorance and prejudice could change over time and she may want you back. Loving family. But you can’ fulfill her dreams so live your own.