I’m glad it made you smile. I smiled too.
Society, in general, blames mothers for almost everything. When my son, then female-identified, came out as a lesbian at 14 1/2, I was fine with that. But some people blamed me. Some outright- that I did something wrong to “encourage” it. Some subtly. Regardless, moms just feel it. (like when the kitchen is dirty here, even though that is my husband’s job, it reflects poorly on me as the woman of the house- which is archaic but still true).
It all started with Freud but that is a long story. We know that parenting does NOT set your sexual orientation or gender identity. I spoke to a justice systems professor at my university (I’m a developmental psychology professor) and he had the gall to look me in the eye and say that LGBT is a (sinful) choice caused by early parenting and not genetic in anyway. I’m still SO upset about that. (aside: he is leading the opposing side in our town to get sexual orientation and gender identity protected by a nondiscrimination policy). My point is that while MANY uneducated and uninformed people still put all the blame on parenting and moms, even some supposedly intelligent/educated people do as well.
I did spend time wondering if I should think about if it was something I -or we- did. But that only lasted a few minutes because I know better and what the hell difference would it make anyway? What makes someone straight or gay, cis or trans, is of no importance to me.
Try to get your mom to read some books that will put her mind at ease. Start with the pflag.org site that I reference frequently for free downloads. Then look at the suggested reading on my tumblr page. They start out letting the parents know that we’ve all felt that way at some point but here is the real deal…
Encourage her to talk to people. My mom was totally freaked out about my son and wouldn’t tell anyone for years. When she finally did- she found that almost every friend she told had an LGBT person close to them in some way. That, along with Ellen and Oprah, helped her get over her issues.
Tell her you feel that you’ve disappointed her and it really hurts you. You are what you were born to be and if she finds that unsatisfactory in any way, it just hurts you so much. Remind her of the high rate of suicide among LGBT youth and let her know that she has done a great job raising you because you don’t feel like that- you just want to be reassured of her love AND that she is proud of you.
People sometimes ask my why I’m proud of my trans son- like- am I proud that my daughter is cis? It isn’t something you can explain, only experience, but I know that my son has had a rough road to his identity, and always will to some extent. My daughter has other life issues but not her most basic identity as a straight cis woman (typical and not needing support, not discriminated against, etc)
It takes bravery to be out. Strength. If you have those things, she should know it and that it is because she’s your mom. And you want her to be proud of you because you’re awesome. ♡