I'm A PFLAG Mom

Posts Tagged "education"

Question from Anonymous

my mum is yelling at me over wearing the male cap and gown at (high school) graduation and saying she doesnt want to be a part of my future etc., "wear the girl one for your grandmother's sake", "i'm not going to graduation if you do this" and such, and i'm not going to give in... do you have any advice please i'm sorry to bother you

Well…I can only tell you what *I* would do or suggest for my own son - wear the cap/gown that you want to, go to graduation and hold your head high. If they miss it, it is THEIR loss. I know you’d be sad if your family didn’t show up but you would know you’re being true to yourself and they would end up regretting not sharing  your big day. (no bother, congratulations btw) 

Question from Anonymous

I told my parents that i'm gay this year and while they didn't seem angry about it at all, there was a horribly long and awkward silence for a while and they seemed very shocked. Since then I've noticed that whenever me or my brother (who's also gay) bring up anything LGBT-related they're silent or try to change the subject. While I'm glad they aren't angry or upset I wish I could talk to them about things that affect me because of my sexuality without the uncomfortable silence. any advice?

They are hoping you’ll forget about it or it will just go away. Or, they don’t have any idea of how to support you or what to say or do. Either way- PFLAG could help. If you think you could get them to a meeting, go  to PFLAG.org to look for meetings in your area. If not, you can read and download tons of support information. As hard as this way is, NOT talking about it yet may be better than saying something they will regret later. It sounds to me as if you’ve given them enough time and it may be time for them to seek outside help. 

Hang in there.

Question from Anonymous

My family is Mormon. I was raised in the Mormon church and I am finally accepting that I'm a lesbian. I don't know if I will be able to come out to my family and tell them. My cousin knows, and she's not judgmental at all. I'm afraid when I come out my family isn't going to talk to me anymore. And it makes me sad. What should I do?? Should I wait until leaving for college in the fall or until after I'm able to support myself better?

I know so many LGBT mormons- so many excommunicated mormons - and some gay mormon activists.

Hang onto your cousin, I’m happy to hear you have some family you know you can count on. 

I can’t tell you what your family will do. My hope is they will love as they love you now - and - that they won’t try to change you.

Waiting until college. If you do that, be prepared for them to blame college for turning you gay. Before you come out though, make sure you can support yourself through college. That could mean scholarships, grants, loans, etc. Don’t give up college and the promise of being able to support yourself plus having a career that makes you happy. 

Look up “mormon and gay” and you’ll find support groups out there.

Question from Anonymous

Hi! I'd like to get your perspective on something as a parent. I have grown up in an abusive household, and now my involvement with my local PFLAG chapter is making me feel pressured to come out to them. I'm not sure how they would react. At the same time, I feel like if I stay closeted only to them (I'm out everywhere else) I'm not being a good representative of PFLAG. What are your thoughts?

You probably could guess that I am a BIG supporter of PFLAG.

You do NOT owe any group anything! Do not let ANYONE pressure you to come out when you are not ready. I believe that coming out is a highly personal issue and only YOU can know if you are ready -and want - to do it. A good representative of PFLAG helps people  find support when needed. That’s it, not to be out. Maybe they see something you’re missing but, from what you say here, I’m disappointed that a group, especially PFLAG, would put pressure on you.

Do you live with your parents? I would be very cautious around abusive people. That makes me uneasy. You don’t have to come out to your parents while you are in “reaching distance” of their abuse. If they are emotionally abusive, you may need to get counseling before you’re strong enough to deal with that. (trust me, I’m still working on that and I’m WAY grown up).

Perhaps you could tell them right out that you are uncomfortable about feeling pressured and you will come out to your parents, or not, in your own time…but you appreciate their concern for you. It does sound like they may feel close enough to you that they feel they could give you such advice. With abusive parents, it must be nice to have a PFLAG family. Though- if you come from an abusive home, you may be conditioned to obey adults, in which case, you feel you need to listen to these people. That makes sense- I hope you will seek counseling  to work out the crappy parts of your life sooner - rather than later.

Openly gay Eagle Scout a first since new Boy Scout policy
Pascal Tessier, left, receives his Eagle Scout badge from Troop 52 Scoutmaster Don Beckham on Monday in Chevy Chase, Md. Tessier became the first openly gay scout to reach the highest rank since a policy change to allow gay youth in the Boy Scouts of America. (Luis M. Alvarez / Associated Press / February 10, 2014)

Openly gay Eagle Scout a first since new Boy Scout policy

Pascal Tessier, left, receives his Eagle Scout badge from Troop 52 Scoutmaster Don Beckham on Monday in Chevy Chase, Md. Tessier became the first openly gay scout to reach the highest rank since a policy change to allow gay youth in the Boy Scouts of America. (Luis M. Alvarez / Associated Press / February 10, 2014)


Question from Anonymous

Hey! Hope you're doing well! Background info: 19 yo pre-t transguy in oklahoma. I'm doing a presentation on gender/identity/trans issues at PFLAG next month. I get dysphoric about my voice and all, but I decided it doesn't matter. In oklahoma, people are oftentimes uneducated about the issues, and I want to change that. I have a general idea of what I want to present, but I was wondering if you could think of any specific topics or questions that would be good to address. Thanks :)

Your voice is your voice just use it to educate and don’t worry what people think- you’re right that it doesn’t matter. 

Topics- what it feels like to be a young trans man and what you wish parents would know/understand/realize. You could tell them that you are there to help them understand and to ask you anything- If they should ask something inappropriate (like about your body or sex), say you wouldn’t be comfortable answering that particular question. They may be interested in binding though. Let them ask questions- binding may be the furthest thing from their minds if they don’t know trans people.

Good for you - people fear what they don’t know, so let them KNOW. 

Question from Anonymous

I'm a mother of 3 & I think my youngest (he is 10) might be gay or transgender. I have no experience with this & am looking for any information I can find to help support him & help all of us understand a little more about what he is experiencing & will experience as he goes through puberty, adolescence and adulthood. I feel so lost & helpless, I want to help him & support him but I am so scared for him & his safety, especially now that he has shown interest in dressing more feminine. Any advice

Go to PFLAG.org and read everything you can find there. See if you can find a meeting near you. Your questions are all the things a parent would/should worry about. When my transgender son was female-identified and came out as a lesbian I felt SO clueless about guiding my kid through puberty etc. PFLAG (and my local friends) were the biggest help.

Don’t be “scared” for him, just keep an eye on him and make sure HE understands how to stay safe. He may face bullying so make sure he knows how to deal with that- whatever his school’s policy is. My husband was so afraid for our kid!  I swear, it was like he thought snipers were hiding in trees waiting for our kid to walk by. Safety is VERY IMPORTANT, do NOT get me wrong! Just don’t spend your life worrying- take action- make sure he is aware - and maybe a bit of martial arts might help.

This generation is much more accepting of our gender and sexual minority kids. The older generation makes up a great deal of the problem  (and solution- moms like you!).

Bottom line: READ READ READ and talk to other moms. Yay for you loving your boy unconditionally and only caring about HIS needs. You are awesome. 

Question from Anonymous

When/how are people into BDSM subjected to the kind of discrimination faced by other GSM?

There is a lot of ‘infighting’ and bad feelings within the GSM community. It shouldn’t be that way but, unfortunately it is. Many groups (GSAs etc) are working to ameliorate this problem. Our GSA certainly is.

ETA: comment:fulltimeillin said: Does not answer the question…

well, I can’t answer that directly. You’d have to ask people into BDSM about discrimination. I only know that within the GSM community, there is bad blood and hurt feelings due to a lack of understanding and acceptance between groups.