I'm A PFLAG Mom

Posts Tagged "bisexual"

coming out as bi

I have two annon. questions about coming out as bisexual. I will answer them together.

There is little you can do to convince someone that bisexuality is a real thing. I would suggest knowing that you know your sexuality and it doesn’t matter if someone doubts you. It must be hard, though, to be considered invisible. 

For parents not talking to their kids after they come out as bi- Try to keep the lines of potential communication open. Don’t burn your bridges. When you are independent, self-supporting, and if things are still just as bad, you might have to accept the fact that they aren’t going to be in your life. In that case, you create your own family…family of choice. You will probably end up doing that anyway. 

To make it easier…I really wish I had an answer for that.

Question from yornociam

I came out to my dad as bisexual 2 years ago when I was 16, and he pretty much said no you're not you're gay or straight, you'll decide later. Turns out I still like my gender and others! As a parent, how do you think I could reaffirm this? Also I haven't told my mom, so should I tell her before I go off to college or after? (I'm pretty sure she'll be ok with it, just a shock at first). Just answer from your perspective as a parent, even though it's different for everyone. Thanks!

I guess you could tell him that he may think you’re gay or straight but that just isn’t the case. Sounds like he’ll get used to it. 
I always suggest telling parents before you leave for college. If you wait till after, they will  blame college for ‘turning you gay’ or bi. Better for them to know it happened while you were living with them, not those crazy gay-making colleges! ;)

Question from Anonymous

Hi! I have been out to my parents for about a year now as a bisexual individual. I mostly enjoy dating women but sometimes will date men. My current significant other was my girlfriend and is now transitioning to male. My mom uses this to tell me that I should only date men now because I "can choose". How can I show her how backwards this thinking is? It makes her very angry that I contiunously choose to date women when I "could" be with men...

She doesn’t understand what you mean when you tell her that you are bi. You need to explain it to her better. It would be like telling saying “why don’t your just date blonds?” Going though your life only looking at blonds when you don’t care about hair color! She may just want to make like easier for you…or her…but either way, she needs to better understand how you feel. Tell her. 

Question from and-a-whole-lot-of-running

I like girls. I like guys. I don't care if you're biologically one but your gender doesn't match it. I don't care if you don't identify with either. What does that make me? I always thought I was bisexual but I'm not sure and I'm worried that I'm just going to be alienated for it.

Check out the term “pansexual” and see if it fits better. 

Question from Anonymous

I'm sure you get these questions pretty often, so I'm sorry if you have to repeat yourself! Anyways, I'm a bisexual girl from a baptist church going family. My family doesn't know I'm bisexual, and i don't want to tell them bc I know they'll try and change me. My dad literally hates homosexuality and takes personal offense to it. My mother is probably more comfortable with is but knows that it's unbiblical. Do you have any advice? Thank you for your time c:

Do you think there is hope for them to watch a video (Fish Out of Water) or read some of the resources about “homosexuality and the bible” from PFLAG.org? Other than that, I’m really not sure what it would take to get your family to change their close-minded attitudes? Maybe you could talk to your mom in private and tell her that you are afraid of what to do and need her help. I hope this helps a bit. 

Question from Anonymous

Hi, I'm a 17 year old female who has been dating boys since I started dating at all. This has given my parents the assumption that I am straight. My parents know I support LGBT organizations and I have some friends who are part of the groups, but haven't even questioned me on sexual preferences. I believe I am pansexual or bisexual. I'm still figuring it out but I know I am at least not attracted to males only. Should I still think about coming out the my parents if I'm not sure what I am?

IF you have a close relationship with your parents and feel that you could talk to them about your questioning your sexual orientation, then I say yes. That is what parents, theoretically, are for! If not, then perhaps you should continue your journey to self-understanding a bit longer before you bring them into the conversation.

Question from Anonymous

Hi :) I'm a bisexual teenage girl and I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. My mom has been hinting around about my not being completely straight (even though i haven't told anybody but my friends about my sexuality) and i kept telling her that i was straight because i wasn't ready to tell her yet (plus, opp. sex relationship=believable) and she dropped the subject after a while, but now i feel that i'm ready to tell her, but i'm not quite sure how.

I’ve been asked several times, by loving parents, how to let their kids know it would be okay if they told them they were “not straight”.  Perhaps her hinting around has been her way to let you know this. If you’re ready you could say “hey mom, remember when you asked about me not being completely straight? I’m ready to talk about that now if you are.” Then talk. Depending on her level of understanding, you may need to explain how you can be bisexual but in a relationship with a guy.  I hope that the two of you will have a good talk that brings you even closer together.

Question from Anonymous

Hi, so I identify as a bisexual female and I'm 17. I am also New Orthodox Jewish so I'm unsure whether I can come out to family/community in fear of what they'd think of me (because of what the Torah says about lesbians) Any advice on what to do?

As it is the Sabbath, I thought it a good time to do some reading on what it means to be an Orthodox Jew and a Queer Orthodox Jew. I found an  article written by a Gay Orthodox Rabbi. I wanted to pull quotes from it for you but the entire article is SO good that you simply must read it all. Here is just one paragraph:

At yeshiva I realized, to my great alarm, that I was attracted to another student named Yossi, and I didn’t know what to do about it. Instead of going to the rabbi of the yeshiva I chose to consult with the great rabbinical sage of the generation, Rabbi Yosef Shalom Elyashiv, leader of the Lithuanian sect, who lived in one of the most insular communities in Jerusalem [Elyashiv died last year at age 102]. I sat down across from him and I said to him in Hebrew, ‘Rabbi, I’m attracted to men and women both. What should I do?’ Rabbi Elyashiv answered, ‘Dear one, my friend, you have a dual power of love. Use it carefully.’ I was stunned. ‘That’s all?’ I asked, and he smiled and said, ‘There’s nothing more to say.’

One thing I want to say first though, is you need to accept yourself. When you read the whole article, you will see that the Rabbi had to struggle in the same way. When he became comfortable with his sexuality AND his religion, loving another man AND loving G-D, he became able to  to enter the synagogue with confidence in himself. The Torah is an ancient text written in its time for its time. The Rabbi explains how he interprets it here:

“For a religious person, the text is eternal and living, and is not subject to just one interpretation. ‘The Torah has 70 faces,’ goes the saying. The text is still binding and I feel the words of God calling to me. But I hear them in a different way because I live in a different time. It’s impossible to understand the text while ignoring the people in the street. They must be heard, and if the rabbis won’t listen to the stories that each one of us carries, they will have difficulty understanding the text. The process of change has begun. The rabbis have stopped responding aggressively toward gays. Our strategy is to enter into the halakhic discourse, and this is what I did in the book.”

So first - love and accept yourself. For real. Then you can have confidence that G-d created all of us in all of our varieties- and THAT IS GOOD. 

Here is a link to his book Wrestling with G-d and Men: Homosexuality in the Jewish Tradition

WARNING: as with ANY controversial topic, DON’T read the comments. Virtually any article about LGBTQ+/GSM people will have vile comments. Best to read the article and ignore the haters.

I hope this helps.

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