I'm A PFLAG Mom

Posts Tagged "art of transliness"

rebolog from Art of Transliness: advice for trans/parent relationships

I cut/pasted this from the AoT site. My son Zak gives very good advice. Plus, I believe this letter from anon could have been written by thousands of you readers. Both AoT and I hear this same situation all the time- I just want to second Zak’s suggestion of getting parents involved in support groups. They are totally missing what is going on with their children and need to hear from us parents who have gone down that path that it is okay to have your emotions be all over the place but we have to respect our children and their gender identity. This anon is lucky he has a dialogue going with his mom, he wasn’t disowned. Some of you reading this would find it a step UP from where you and your parents are now. As the mother of a transgender son, I want to say that we parents HAVE to step-up and take care of our kids, listen to them, respect them, be there, believe them, and thank whatever higher-power you like that we have our kids alive and sharing their lives with us. If this message reaches any parents of trans* or gender-variant kids, or lesbian, gay, bisexual, queer, questioning (etc)…just put the computer down and go hug your kid now. Tell them they are the light of your life and you’ll do whatever it takes to support them in their journey to wholeness. 
My mother is having a really hard time with my transition. While she supports me, there’s times where she often breaks down and cries saying that i’ll “always be her little girl”, and blames me for not understanding her feelings. I understand how she more than anyone could be having a hard time with this, but I wish there was a way to allow her to understand me and why I need this, so she can be without her worries. We talk all the time about it, and I explain to her the reasons. (1/2)
Anonymous asked

(2/2) I do my best to understand her feelings as she tries to understand mine, but she still breaks down and cries, and I hate seeing her this way. Even if she supports me, I don’t think she truly understands completely how much or why I need this. She always asks me “if im sure?” and “what if’s”. She also doesn’t want me to take T but it’s something that I need to bring comfort to myself. Could you help us? What can I do or show her to help ease her heart and help her through my transition?

Zak: If you only recently came out, it is likely that your mom is going through the “stages of grief” and just trying her best to come to terms with things. Your mom is having to let go of the way she has always seen you and the expectations she had for your future, she also might be scared of the person you might become or the dangers she perceives in transitioning. For some parents this is tougher than others, and some parents never really get all the way through to acceptance. It sounds like your mom is going through the really classic, totally normal stages of denial, bargaining, and depression. It’s good that she is trying to see things from your point of view, and good that you are trying to help her out with accepting this. If she’s open to it, I’d really recommend that the two of you go to a counseling session together or that she attend a PFLAG meeting. Some PFLAG branches are more trans* inclusive than others, so if she has problems finding somewhere that includes the T or if she’d rather connect with parents of trans* kids (of all ages) online, there’s always TransYouth Family Allies which has a host of resources and TransKids Family, a message board for parents of trans* kids. Good luck and I hope things get better. 

Source: artoftransliness