I'm A PFLAG Mom

Posts Tagged "Education"

Source: Washington Post

Question from lovemyself09

So about 3 months ago i came out to my parents and they were really disappointed. They took me to a psychologist and honestly i was getting tired of them pointing at me and sayibg many homophobic things that i just told them that i wasn't really gay (lesbian) that all i wanted was their attention. I know i'm gay. i've always been and i'll always be. i came out to a friend who is also gay. But i just want my parents to accept me the way i am, i'm living a lie. i wanna be who i am. help!

That isn’t uncommon. I be a lot of people reading this are saying “I did the SAME thing!” Your parents think there is a way to make you straight- perhaps shaming you, or denying it, or dragging you to close-minded, homophobic counselors.

Do you have a long time before you’ll be independent from them? You may want to wait until you’re out of their house to come out again. Or, have a heart-to-heart and explain that you tried to not be gay in order to make them happy but it just doesn’t work like that. Explain that they can “not allow” you to be gay but you simply ARE and it isn’t going to change. They could keep you from being happy until you are away from home (and come to terms with parental rejection), or they could accept and celebrate you as the real person you are.

As usual, I recommend PFLAG.org for support material for them and for you. You can download pamphlets on different queer-related topics. Ideally, you could get them to a PFLAG meeting but until the, print some of their things and see if they will read them

Question from Anonymous

I am probably not the most typical person to ask you questions but im Elliot(FTM) and my parents are very un-accepting of the fact i like girls to the point I'm afraid to tell them that I am Transgender and prefer a different name and male pronouns. What should I do? My parents are not religious either so I don't understand why they are so against me being happy with who I am.

Actually, you ARE.  Many parents begin to plan their kids’ lives before they are even born. They continue to develop their hopes and dreams as their kids grow up. Eventually, they start doing that with their grandkids. The grandkids they also assumed they would get and that would live nearby. 

ENTER REALITY.

Our children don’t owe us anything. They didn’t ask to be born. You chose to have them. The real goal is to raise kids to be who they truly are.  If you love and nurture them, they will become authentic loving adults. THAT is your reward. That is the REALITY.

Few parents have a baby identified as a boy or girl and keep an open mind about their eventual gender identity. Most parents are FLOORED by the news that they have a transgender kid.

The GOOD news is that there are more and MORE parents realizing the joy in having a transgender kid. Many of us (parents who chat on the support group TransYouthFamilyAllies) express our appreciation that our wonderful beloved kids wouldn’t be who they are if they weren’t trans*. We love them as they are, and they are trans*. We wouldn’t change them. We all wish the rest of the world felt as we do and it breaks our hearts when our kids are hurt by a transphobic and generally anti-queer society. We would do anything to spare them that pain. 

Your question of what to do about YOUR parents? For one, you don’t know how they will react to your being trans*. They may be in denial — hoping that you will knock it off  and be the straight-cis daughter they think they’ve raised.

Get resources from TYFA, PFLAG, and other places that could help them and also give you ideas of how to approach them.

Stay true to yourself. Be yourself. Be PROUD. 

Question from Anonymous

I want to ask if you would be a pflag mom for students and other LGBT people who have parents that do not accept them for who they are. I am only 17 and I need someone to be my adult support system...

You probably need someone in real life. Find a PFLAG group in your area and go to the meeting. That is a good place to find caring parents who may love to be your support. I’m sorry that the adults in your life aren’t responsible and loving people. There are a lot of PFLAG moms and dads out there- your local PFLAG might have some more ideas too. ♥

Question from Anonymous

I'm a mom to a great 10 yr old! He likes "traditionally girl" toys, shows, boy bands & activities. He is very feminine in his speech & mannerisms. I love him to the moon & back & think that he is perfect exactly the way he is. His cousins are in town & about the same age & it's been AWFUL! Teasing, mocking, shaming, judging. This is the 1st time this has happened & we are heartbroken. I talked to their mom & she denies her kids are assholes! What do I do? How do I protect him from his own family

Your question makes me so sad. People sometimes where bullies come from - there you go!

 You child is lucky to have a mom who cares so much about him as a human being. Good that you realize that he IS perfect the way he is. I know that different family dynamics could make it uncomfortable for you to speak directly to those kids, but your kid’s emotional life and possibly self-esteem depend on you. Tell those asshole kids that their teasing will NOT be tolerated at all. If you have to take your kid and leave, or ask them to leave, just do it.  You can’t protect him from his family but you can stand up for him. You can also let him know that bad behavior isn’t acceptable even if it comes from family. There is no law saying anyone has to take abuse from people- even if they are family. Do you care more about being polite or being a good role model for you kid? You stand up for him and he will learn from you what not to tolerate from people. 

Question from Anonymous

my mum is yelling at me over wearing the male cap and gown at (high school) graduation and saying she doesnt want to be a part of my future etc., "wear the girl one for your grandmother's sake", "i'm not going to graduation if you do this" and such, and i'm not going to give in... do you have any advice please i'm sorry to bother you

Well…I can only tell you what *I* would do or suggest for my own son - wear the cap/gown that you want to, go to graduation and hold your head high. If they miss it, it is THEIR loss. I know you’d be sad if your family didn’t show up but you would know you’re being true to yourself and they would end up regretting not sharing  your big day. (no bother, congratulations btw) 

Question from Anonymous

I told my parents that i'm gay this year and while they didn't seem angry about it at all, there was a horribly long and awkward silence for a while and they seemed very shocked. Since then I've noticed that whenever me or my brother (who's also gay) bring up anything LGBT-related they're silent or try to change the subject. While I'm glad they aren't angry or upset I wish I could talk to them about things that affect me because of my sexuality without the uncomfortable silence. any advice?

They are hoping you’ll forget about it or it will just go away. Or, they don’t have any idea of how to support you or what to say or do. Either way- PFLAG could help. If you think you could get them to a meeting, go  to PFLAG.org to look for meetings in your area. If not, you can read and download tons of support information. As hard as this way is, NOT talking about it yet may be better than saying something they will regret later. It sounds to me as if you’ve given them enough time and it may be time for them to seek outside help. 

Hang in there.

Question from Anonymous

My family is Mormon. I was raised in the Mormon church and I am finally accepting that I'm a lesbian. I don't know if I will be able to come out to my family and tell them. My cousin knows, and she's not judgmental at all. I'm afraid when I come out my family isn't going to talk to me anymore. And it makes me sad. What should I do?? Should I wait until leaving for college in the fall or until after I'm able to support myself better?

I know so many LGBT mormons- so many excommunicated mormons - and some gay mormon activists.

Hang onto your cousin, I’m happy to hear you have some family you know you can count on. 

I can’t tell you what your family will do. My hope is they will love as they love you now - and - that they won’t try to change you.

Waiting until college. If you do that, be prepared for them to blame college for turning you gay. Before you come out though, make sure you can support yourself through college. That could mean scholarships, grants, loans, etc. Don’t give up college and the promise of being able to support yourself plus having a career that makes you happy. 

Look up “mormon and gay” and you’ll find support groups out there.